Easy As Fuck: Fake Empanadas

Lifestyle, recipes, Uncategorized

Recipe by Roni Davis


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So last week I was watching the food channel and I found myself in desperate need of empanadas. I had to have them or the world would probably end… So I did what I do best: I fuckin’ made them. I tend to make things “semi-homemade” and being a poor 21 year old I take lots of time and money short cuts. After scouring Pinterest and taking the bits and pieces I thought sounded best- here’s what I came up with. I do everything by taste so depending on how many people you’re attempting to feed- my best advice is to start light on the ingredients and taste test as you go.


What You’re Going to Fuckin’ Need:

-1 lb Ground beef

-1 red bell pepper finely chopped

-1 onion finely chopped

-2 hard boiled eggs

-1 beaten egg

-1 Red chili flakes

-1.5 tsp Paprika

-1.5 tsp Ground cumin

-Refrigerated crescent rolls



Turn you stove-top onto medium heat. Throw your pepper and onion into a pan and get a nice sear on there. Then dump in your ground beef and brown it. Put about a teaspoon of chili flakes (unless you’re trying to turn the heat up on that bitch!) and a few shakes of paprika. Once the beef is cooked through, move the mixture from the pan into a large mixing bowl to cool down a bit. Chop your two hard boiled eggs and stir them into the mixture of beef and onions. In a separate bowl beat one egg and mix with a splash of water to make the egg wash.



Preheat your oven to 400 degrees

Okay the next thing I did was a little weird, but it worked well for me (so don’t judge.) Open the tube of crescent rolls and knead into a ball. Pull off little pieces and roll into a ball and the flatten out so you can put mixture into the crescent roll dough. Fold the mixture into the dough like a half moon and press edges down with a fork and egg wash the outside.




Pretty much keep doing this until you’ve filled all the dough. Spread them out on a baking sheet and bake for about 20-25 minutes

Ta-da you’re done and probably starving so fuckin’ eat them allllllllllllll!